The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
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Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
when you order from DoorDastardly