*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
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him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I have a new favorite meme page
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
You make a compelling argument, Morty.