*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
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Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult