Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
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I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.