HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
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Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
me, too, girl. me, too.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.