My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
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[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?