Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
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Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Important
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation