Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
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[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
United Steaks of America
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.