In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
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I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game