I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
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Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies