I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
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literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.