The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
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what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Siri, fight Alexa.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.