[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
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If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
let’s discuss
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Home #decor warning.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.