I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
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Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”