Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
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It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
i spent way too long on this
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written