If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
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Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point