Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
You Might Also Like
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Covid like
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what