Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
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My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account