[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
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Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Growing up was a huge mistake
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more