I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
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Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers