Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
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This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.