Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
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Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.