“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
You Might Also Like
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
is this meant to deter me
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
mechanics be like
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I created you as mosquito food.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse