her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
You Might Also Like
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet