deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
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I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Hank is one in a melon.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?