[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
You Might Also Like
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.