LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
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SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.