Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
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Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Had an epiphany today.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.