Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
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her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
My dad is at it again
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?