My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
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Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
that colleague who touches your screen
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same