I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
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I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.