There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
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If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.