If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
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SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*