To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
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Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Saw online –
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.