So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
You Might Also Like
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
work smarter, not harder
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?