*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
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Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray