The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
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Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates