[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
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“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Life cycle of cat
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.