Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
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Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence