Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
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[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Um … Hot Wings please
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake