Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
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Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*