A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
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If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality