Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
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Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*