My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
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Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
The police never think its as funny as you do.