You Might Also Like
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Google Pay be like:
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.