Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.

He replied with: “Dream on!”

That’s very nice of him, right?

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!

Me: hmmm

Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life

Me: 🤔

Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die

Me: ya ya that’s the one

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl