I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
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“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball