Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
You Might Also Like
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!