We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
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You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.