An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
You Might Also Like
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I feel it
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
handsome & gretel
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU